Today we had conflict at work. I was inappropriate in my response, angry, used not a great name for Jay.
Then I started to calm down after we talked briefly and then went into a meeting with a few others to try and plan.
I listened to how Jay was talking and also the information he was sharing. He was struggling. He was processing on the fly after an already long day of processing. It wasn’t clear and we were struggling to follow him.
I took the position that this was just a lot to get through, and I could help out. I didn’t attack him or eye roll or become frustrated. I realized the burdens he’s under and just tried to help work through all the details. We were all really tired; it had been a long day. I helped get through the messy details.
We talked later at dinner and I tried to process what had happened. I understood the things he’s going through better and also made sure he knew what we were trying to do was too fast and too much. He agreed and I pledged to not attack again.
In moments like this, it feels somewhat like everything. My brain is finally getting healed to where I can think and not just react. I can try and plan and not be angry and defensive all the time which describes most of our marriage, especially when working together.
It does feel like everything.
I feel grateful to be slowly changing and to have it make an impact.
In other news, I’m slowly getting a better handle on my schedule and life as my pain diminishes.
Something hit my brain today as was distracted and foggy all day. No idea why. Wish I knew.
I’m still struggling at times w/ basic scheduling things and staying on target. I forgot a doctor’s appointment today, something that used to happen all the time. I wish it was better
Finally some big revelations w/ kid and people stuff.
I wrote this morning about not judging, about just loving and listening to people. I don’t want to judge anymore. I want to accept people as they are and where they are, regardless. So many people hurt or annoy me on a regular basis.
AS I DO TO THEM.
My stakes are pretty high.
I guess as I accept myself more, it’s helping me accept others better. I read that somewhere and it makes sense.
This also seems huge.
I just feel a lot less anxiety tonight.
Today, my mind has been full of thinking about this past weekend of fun activities w/ Jay, mainly walking across the park and going to a play at a theater on the other side of the park; the kids; my parents; work; writing; being relaxed and less stressed.
I’ve been thinking a considerable amount about how different my brain feels as my stress has gone down. My physical pain is diminishing; my mental pain is diminishing.
I feel like I’m becoming human in some ways for the first time since I was a happy-go-lucky kid.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about my family and my parents and sibling. I keep thinking and praying and visualizing forgiveness, moving on and finding the good in the midst of the pain.
I think a lot about my dad actually, and how I know he struggled w/ work. I remember he was always leaving time together, getting up, getting adjusted, leaving the office at work for little breaks. I can so relate to that. I wish we’d had a chance to laugh and talk about that weird thing we both do and how it must drive other people crazy. Why do we do it? I don’t know.
He tried and was a weird dude like I’m a weird gal in so many ways. I don’t think he really wanted to be in business which is probably one reason he was distracted a lot or let himself get distracted. I think he barely hung on and kept it together until the end. He sold the business in late 1989 and his life fell apart, ending five years later, none of it pleasant.
What really is my life afterall? I’ve decided I want to quit wishing it was different, wishing I was a dance queen or whatever I can find to emulate or be jealous of. I can embrace and enjoy my life however I want it to be.
I am finding incredible joy in that.
The world right now is fast-paced, go/go, exhausting for someone like me and probably someone like my dad who didn’t fit the mold he was forced into. He ended up with this family he loved but really struggled to support. He did his best; it was really tough to live with him, especially in high school as he got worse.
These seem like important things to resolve so at the very least, I can move forward and put these things to rest.
I’m grateful my mom is happy and safe at her new property. It gives me a lot of peace of mind for her and selfishly, for myself as well.
I’m working on a new schedule for my little brain that needs direction and help. Maybe one of these days I can take some meds that might help me focus but that won’t happen for a while.
Finally I went to a poetry reading this weekend and one of the poets talked about PTSD in his poems. Golden.