We’re leaving the beach today.
I feel calm which is sort of how I’ve felt the whole time we’ve been here.
I’ve talked about this on other posts, that when you give up the frantic search for daily meaning, you give it all up. So less crazy, infrequent highs means also very few lows. The highs feel more warm and genuine without the scary person around the corner that’s you, lurking, ready to jump out when the high drops off unexpectedly.
I think that’s a pretty coherent description actually of moving from unhealth to health.
But seriously, why do I still have friends and why is Jay still married to me? Because he loves me for reals and also he’s been pretty eff-ed up himself. We’re a match made in heaven!
I woke up w/ a giant-ass headache and so am up too early writing and watching my friends vlog. My head is a bit better, had Advil, and now the cricket in the bush has started chirping again. It’s kind of a sad sound though, like maybe he’s dreaming and is just twitching in his sleep?? And I’m not just deferring to male animal pronouns because I’m clueless; only males chirp. So there, haters.
So it’s crickets for the crickets today, and our vaca. I’ll drop Jay off at the airport and then keep driving north and east, exactly away from where I’d like to stay. I’ll be glad to see people, but home is mostly work right now.
Yesterday in Astoria I did go into a cool Scandanavian design shop. Cool Marimekko clothing which is pretty incredible considering. I’m sure you can get that in Seattle, maybe PDX somewhere, but yeah, you’re rocking it, little Astoria.
I get overwhelmed though in stores like that because it’s more expensive, I’m on a budget and also, minimalism. I’m getting closer to having plans for clothes and the house, so I just don’t spend a lot of money randomly like I used to. It’ll be the perfect anchor piece for the wall art I hope to buy and put up! I have never worn pink but this has to be the day! Shit like that, the craziness of being completely detached from myself and influence/shamed by everything, those days are over so as a result, I leave stores without much these days. I’m planning my shopping more and doing very little random buying.
I do love the style and hope someday, I feel better about our house, design, our next stage of life.
*****
On this topic, I was toying this week w/ the idea of buying a rug for my laundry room while on vacation. I’m sick of the little one in there and ready to move on.
I went into a homewares store that carries some interesting things, much not my style and SO crowded, but nonetheless, always find something. Yes, found ribbon and soap, my traveling go-to’s for some reason. That and cards. But also, a super cool rug, well-priced out of my range at $86.
I told her my budget was under $50 for this space. She asked what space, and I said laundry room/bathroom, and then she got all feminist on me and said women do most of the laundry and that room should look awesome. I think then the word she used was “indulge.” Like, indulge yourself. You deserve it.
I don’t trust people trying to sell me things that tell me to indulge. I also don’t believe in that life philosophy I realized. Spending $40 over my budget on a luxury item isn’t indulging; that’s a lack of discipline and planning. Spending an extra few bucks for expensive coffee is indulging.
So I just found one online for $20 and that’ll be much better for my budget and reinforcing again a more low-key way to live life and not bounce from high to low, especially around purchases.
*****
Home and back in the city. Easy drive home. I went to a place for dinner outside Pasco that’s on 395. It’s always slow, and they frequently make mistakes. It’s super convenient, easy for the puppers and we just keep stopping.
As to form, it took forever and the order was wrong. I tried to not show too much frustration but didn’t succeed. I wasn’t rude, but I showed exasperation.
On leaving a rest area about 30 minutes later, I turned out of the rest stop onto the exit without looking properly. It was also a bit of a blind corner and easy to miss someone coming. The next thing I knew, I heard a long, loud horn sounding then increasing as a truck zoomed around me into the other lane, passing, then back into my lane and onto the freeway.
Yep, I thought, I blew it. I owned it. I felt bad, but not ruined. I just made a mistake, like the people at the lunch counter made a mistake. It happens. It seemed a good reminder of my need to continue to the one that forgives and forgets, doesn’t hold on and forget my humanity, all of it. Not think I’m better than I am or worse. Just human; prone to brilliance and regular mistakes. All the same, in many ways.
I unloaded the car and all the luggage pretty easily. So many times even something like this could be a area of conflict for Jay and I. So much of that is just gone.
Sweet peace.