Spent the weekend with both kids, cleaning, visiting my cousins, watching sunsets and funny shows.
For El's apartment, she’s been a bit stalled out with her back injury so it’s been hard to get things sort of finalized for good. I also picked up a little box at GW to put all of her cat things into.
It went from being pretty dirty and disorganized to looking fantastic. She had all the basics and has done a great job with everything, but it got dirty and just some big things left to do. It’s always nice when people are around to give you the help you need to make it happen. I’m was glad to be here. We watched the sunset at Golden Gardens and wow, possibly took one of my favorite photos ever over the water at sunset.
I want to be sure and record what it’s like to go from being completely activated all the time to being present and able to enjoy life and things. I went today in the afternoon to see my counsin over at her Mom’s house which is going on the market soon. They will rent it or sell it soon too.
There were so, so many things laying around. I realized I just didn’t really care about any of it. Six months ago, I would have been frantic about picking out the right thing that would have helped me remember my aunt. Now, I just don’t care.
None of it really matters. The EMDR and therapy is helping calm my brain and help me become more who I am meant to be again. The minimalism has also been amazing. The volume of things people have is stunning. I’m shocked actually as I pare back down even my small little house how much shit we all have and almost none of it gets used that much.
I realized that collecting things just isn’t that satisfying in the long run. The minimal amount of things can be really nice but once you start detaching from things, it’s pretty freeing. Someday I wouldn’t mind collecting vases more, the MCM ones I love so much. I’d like a display case with some of those things I think but that’s about it. The baskets are wonderful to have and I did pick up one at my aunt’s today. My cousin asked if I wanted a momento at all and so I snagged a couple of books and a small basket probably made by a local tribe. Super detailed work, tiny reeds or pine needles. Simply amazing. I love it. That will be a nice memory of her and just a nice, handy piece in general.
My aunt loved nature and that came through in everything that she had in some way or another. She really loved life and loved nature and people and beauty. She was a lovely person. It will be hard to see her tomorrow as she declines and is in a nursing home now. I hope she goes soon.
My cousin told me quite a story today. She said for her Mom's 90th birthday, she was given the latest Mary Oliver book of poems. My aunt hadn’t read or spoken in a long time and all of the sudden, she had a moment of incredible clarity where she read the poem on the first page. Just like that. My cousin said she didn’t know what you call that, metaphysical or what. I call it miraculous and beautiful and exactly how life is, unknowable in it’s most complete form.
But I don’t want to forget this feeling of coming out of a fog, of coming out a distant world that has so much gray over all of it, like a thin veil of grayness and sadness, where it feels there isn’t any true hope. That’s what PTSD does to life; it takes the calmness and beauty out of things. You are always on alert and always in the future or the past, never the present.
I’m reading Rob Bell’s latest book What is the Bible. There was a chapter I just read about Matthew 7 where is says not to judge, but right before, he talks about not worrying. He makes the connection that it’s very hard to worry and not judge, both.
When we worry or are anxious, we tend to want to try and control something, so we automatically go toward people. We judge and put them in boxes and try and make them worse and unhappy too, not successful, so our lives seem less awful.
It’s a devilish trick and largely unsuccessful at making your life better. It’s sort of like ripping off a scab, like it feels good for a minute but then really, it’s just painful and leaves a scar. So yeah, that’s what it’s like to judge people because you can’t stop worrying.
I have much to learn and ponder. I'm glad my life has been exposed to good teaching over the yeras mixed in with the crappy. I have a good foundation in many ways, but need help.
I spent Sunday with El and then later w/ KT as well. The sunset there was also spectacular and time w/ the beauty also amazing. We ate at a local burrito place and watched some comedy.
I try not to worry about them as they grow up and the choices they make. I see all the amazing things in their lives, but seem drawn to the few things I wish were different. I realize they probably feel the same about me. No idea why we do that, why I do that. Will be glad when I'm healthier and less stressed about them. They probably will be too.
Highlights:
- Survived the last week of staff transitions
- Therapy and life revelations and changes
- Solo road trip and time w/ fam
Next week:
- More fun!
Seattle, WA