My stomach ached from tension as we left town at 7 am.
Like KT said, it's not an insignificant undertaking, what we do each year.
We pack up frame packs with food, water and clothing and hike five miles into the Canadian back country to stay in a cabin for four nights. We're remote, off-the-grid, in a lovely lodge-like setting, but definitely remote and together, all twenty of us.
Each year, I face the first 1500 feet of elevation gain with trepidation. The last two years, my hike in has been time-consuming and painful. Each step reminded me of how out of shape I was and how poorly I felt about my fitness and even my right to be there. I don't belong back here, I'd think. I'm a loser. I'm unfit. I'm depressed.
This year, I made it up the hill slowly but without the agony of years past. I was surprised actually at how fast it came and went as I moved with more confidence and strength from the training but also my released muscles from the trigger point therapy. I guess if your glute muscles aren't working, climbing a mountain with a 30# pack won't be easy.
My anxiety left when I hit the two-mile mark, realizing I'd made it up all the brutal switchbacks and the rest was smooth sailing. It was a feeling of utter elation, contentment, joy, and pride in the changes I've worked at for years.
In a climb that's taken me almost five hours in years past, I made it in 3.5 hours. I've realized how glad I've been to have El as a companion as we both stumbled in, me from my depression and adrenal fatigue, her from two separate injuries. I am not glad for her injuries, but somehow, we needed each other to make it.
I didn't collapse when I arrived either, instead enjoying the late afternoon time before dinner and the time afterwards with friends.
There are a few people here who trigger me, one probably reminding me of the worst parts of myself related to fitness, being fussy and entitled. The other, bossiness. We'll see how that goes.
Otherwise, I'm here, and I'm back. Back in the mountains of the Kokanee Glacier.
*****
These are comments from notes I’d made in a notebook also up at the mountain:
“I anxious this week, all week. Fighting it. Thinking about meds. How to deal?
I’m too anxious. i was nervous about the hike in but did super good. The training helped and the Gatorade. i don’t think I’ve eaten enough calories. Focused more on electrolytes. I was pretty elated to get in at a good rate.
I’m still depressed/anxious but both are better. Anxiety has been worse this week. Now up here I’m fine. Just like that.
Jay and I aren’t having enough fun, and we’re not having great energy together. Having just KT around is awesome. So I don’t know what to do. The biz is going to really take off which means he will be super busy/stressed.
I’m waaaaay too into my head.
I need to get in with a group of people, hang out somewhere different with different people, or hikes with these people.”