Today I hung out with friends.
I would often not truly listen, gauging what they were saying and trying to determine how safe I was in the midst of it all. I would nod and not really fully pay attention. I would imagine what I’d do when I left. I'd think about everything but them, the person.
That's what's sick about all this, one of many things. I can't be present for myself or for others.
But all I'm thinking about is... myself.
That'd be incredibly ironic if it wasn't so tragic.
Anyway, as a result of being present, I feel I listened better and have a better chance of remembering what we actually talked about. I have a better chance of being a better friend, a present friend.
I know for a fact that my forgetfulness with friends especially comes more from not listening than to actual forgetfulness issues. I can be on the phone with someone or spend time with them and not remember much when we get together again. I really am often not listening in any way at all. It's all about situational awareness and monitoring potential triggers.
Bleh.
*****
I am practicing some strategies for coping, and I feel some freedom in what we're dealing with. Less triggering, more peace.
Yes please.
Could this be growth and change that will last?