I am staying up on healthy activities and routines.
I’m struggling with my attitude at work but I think I reigned it in; there isn’t time anymore for just grumbling about the past, telling the same old story, that we’re failures, we’re going no where, etc. It’s just not true and we’ll get through this somehow.
Now we have people who know we’re real and are more interested., people with experience. I think we could get some real help and a team together, maybe not feel so alone. I feel traumatized by the aloneness and by the trauma of all the people that have come and gone, all of the brutal hard work and sense of failure even as we’ve done the impossible.
I went to a memoir class tonight, and it was significant tonight. I really connected with the lady who ran the class. She was very strong woman who didn't plan to be a writer. I liked her a lot. I of course asked her too many questions at the end and probably freaked her out, oversharing, needy, etc. My MO. I hope I learn. I at least didn’t try and answer every question in the class and kept my mouth shut a lot, bit my cheek, etc.
But my post conversation with her was really helpful. She said that she didn’t know that an MFA was really worth the money, $30K I believe in her case for a distance program. Yikes! She said it’s hard to make that back let alone more than that.
She suggested adding in some weekend, on-site workshops to the mix, to keep meeting people and get more feedback from real writers, etc.
Other tips… read what you want to write like. Want to write like Annie Dillard? Read her stuff and figure out how she does it. Whew, this is going to be a lot of work. I’m up for it, but it’s going to be tough.
Other suggestions:
- Write your truth with a capital T
- Write a lot, journal, blog, etc.
- Write daily, some kind of prompt
- Write something of significance to yourself and others
- Read what you want to write like; read quality things
- Take an honest look at what you’re doing, a hard look at your writing
- Write what you’re writing ABOUT; what are the themes; why am I writing?
Wow I've never written that down.
Why do I want to write?
And about what??
I guess I always thoughts I knew. Maybe I don't...?
I want to write about how we stay in our layers and often do not get down to the bottom of our souls and what makes us who we are; we live most of our lives asleep in some way because we avoid exposure and change. Sometimes we are too traumatized to consider change and that’s understandable. Sometimes we’re lazy. Sometimes we really don’t care that much.
Meanwhile, life goes on. People get hurt, we lead a mediocre life which I actually fully support, in the sense of not being hyped-up about being the best at everything. I mean mediocre in the sense of just not even trying.
Writing about how scary it is to not be able to see a way out. How you can be so down, to not see how it will get better, how your body or mind or soul can heal.
Did a Lifespan timeline and saw something interesting right away. There were some initial things that should have been super great… our marriage, buying first house, first child. But we were pretty stressed from the get-go. We had pretty quick marriage tension. Our first house was a fixer upper. We were crazy in love with El but were new, overly stressed parents. Then we moved home and had a few more mellow years while I settled in here, made some new friends, got some support from the family, and then we started the company.
So some things that I think often are usually happy things can create a lot of stress too. I wonder if it’s like that with other people.
The diagnosis of our PTSD and Asperger’s was really hard. Jay thinks I blame the business for too much and he’s probably right. That would have reared it’s head with anything I guess. I don’t know. It’s been our journey.
I don’t want to demand that things change. I’ve tried that before. I’ve tried that before and it doesn’t work. This HAS to change. How many times have I said that and look at the mess we’ve made, trying to get help.
The next month will be tough with all the transitions. Jay isn’t super great about prepping people on all of this stuff. He is doing really well with planning but not sure on the messaging part. I guess that would be a good action item. The main staff member leaving isn't happy, but she will go quietly I believe.
Oh, so much fun stuff!
And I wonder what I'll write about??