We keep falling back in love.
I remember some of these feelings from a long time ago. Today we did a long hike up at the Mt. Spokane XC Ski park. We hiked up to the Quartz Mountain lookout tower. It was incredible. The views were spectacular, and it was a new thing to do and see.
The wildflowers were plentiful. I tried to identify a few in my wildflower field guide when I got home but failed miserably.
There is a reason it's called Quartz Mountain; the rock was everywhere. I picked up a few to add to my smoke pile for RC. What is prayer? What is nature when we are hurting? Nature is evidence of the beautiful energy inside all of us that gets destroyed, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. I don't know how healing works. I know we're divine and the energy and beauty of the world around us is nothing compared to what's inside each of us.
All I hope to do with my prayer is fill my own body with that energy, everyday and every moment. To be believe in my divinity. To believe in who I really am. I am not trying to create something, to usurp something. I am claiming what I've been told and what I witness around me.
If I believe that, maybe that can pass to my friend. Maybe he can believe it too, and believe in a way that brings new energy into his body and gives him the strength to find new ways to heal himself.
I honestly don't know and I know this isn't how prayer was ever explained to me. Every way it was ever explained to me, it felt like people were grasping, inventing things, moving into magical thinking that we all do anyway. I'm trying to listen to what I've heard and what I know and what I've experienced. That's all I can do.
*****
This morning, I cleaned out the linen dresser. I decided what to do about it all; my grandmother's tablecloth, my mother's from Germany, the few I've bought myself, all the linen napkins and tablecloths, still ironed. A drawer full of fabric; past projects, a few to come.
Now, for the first time, it feels like mine.
I only put back in what I truly wanted. Why hadn't I thought of that before? It's sort of like buying everything all over again. Buy it and put it in.
Or not.
I still don't understand why on both sides of my family, we kept so, so many things. My mother told me a story this week about her father who used to go to estate sales. Apparently, he'd buy up a good part of it all then bring it back. I think they'd put it in the store; I don't really know.
I don't want to use the word haunted, but I think that's what things can do to you. Your own things, your things, other people's things. It takes an effort to be free of it all. It's worth it.
Highlights:
- Wedding cleanup at a slow pace
- Wedding reflecting
- Writing again
Next week:
- Checking in on my parents
- Writing consistently
- Writing programs
- Stay outside
- Prayer bowl for RC
- Get wedding clean-up and chores finished
Mt. Spokane, WA