I think I kept imagining that we’d have a lot more money someday, that would make things better.
I have to admit that I did think this.
I recently read a book on St. Francis of Assisi, a children’s book. He was completely without any money, and he discovered many of the great secrets of God if you will. I'm also reading about Native Americans and their focus on nature.
While I have studied and practiced my faith and attempted to understand, I still often feel lost. I am not sure if it is our society, the incessant droning of materialism. The pace. The consumption. The goods we all have that I am attached to. Here I am, someone that likes to give gifts and I’m just adding to people’s collection of things.
I want to give gifts that are more for eating or consumable. I watch my friends raise their young kids and the struggles of what to buy or not buy. We are just these rampant consumers. Kids end up on anti-depressants and just have stuff crammed down their throats when what they really need is a pack of kids to run around with in the neighborhood. Blankets for making forts. Random tables and chairs. Sticks. Bushes. A few balls.
I’m not sure where my gift smothering started. My grandma in town, my Dad's mom, was so, so, so into gifts. Now I realize it was probably a distraction. She was extremely bright and sort of locked up at home. So she got very clever about organizing her gifts all year long. I see myself doing that. I’ve spent dozens of hours planning for, buying, wrapping and giving gifts. It for sure is a hobby. It has at times been a distraction.
I’m sort of over all of that. My marriage is what needs serious attention, not my gift-giving. We need love and tenderness. We have so much harshness in our lives to each other. Work is so harsh. Can I stop the focus on other people and keep the focus on myself and my marriage? Can I work on the plank and forget the specks?
The week started out somewhat like it ended, not much resolved, tension, questions about who does what when these two staff leave.
I'm already ready for Friday.