A meeting with an elder care attorney followed by a long phone call with Mom about wedding gifts, gold in the bank, keys, and plans to drive to the shower.
I needed a break. I went to a restaurant fully planning to order a glass of wine at noon. I sat there and spotted someone that I knew drank quite a bit at all hours of the day. I thought to myself, Is this where we're at? You have a stressful week and you want a drink at noon.
I went through my list of things I could do instead. Go on a walk when I got home. Get to the library. Eat an awesome lunch. Disconnect emotionally from the situation with some skills I've learned.
Under the right circumstances, wine or a drink can be relaxing and beneficial to your health. This wasn't one of those situations.
*****
I've been a strong survivor for decades. I've been angry, resistive, in poor health and frightened much of the time, but I've made it. I don't want to abandon that part of my legacy of survival. I want to honor it somehow as I transition from surviving to thriving.
I think this is where people get stuck sometimes. They're proud that they've survived, and they should be. It reminds me of coal miners or other people who have jobs that have wrecked their health, but they'll defend that way of life literally to the death.
Am I willing to step away from a life of protection, anger, frustration and defensiveness to something that also requires strength but brings peace, calm, beauty and freedom? Am I willing to do that? it's a risk, there's no question. I'm leaving the familiar for the unknown and a hope that something else could be better.
I've been actively pursuing something different for years and the evidence of a better life is starting to show up.