I've been pretty discouraged the past few months with the status of my life. I've shared about this in my recovery meeting. It has felt at times like I've done no personal work, ever, never seen a therapist, never been in recovery. I've responded poorly in certain situations and have felt myself slipping back into old patterns or ways of thinking.
I've tried the double-down, refusing to slide back to a way of living and thinking that sent me to my knees. I've resisted but haven't felt happy or a sense of health I keep longing for.
Then, something shifted.
Who ever knows what is that final piece where several things finally slip into place, when something that was once sought after now feels like the new normal. That's what's been happening the last few months, this week especially.
And yes, I'm excited.
Rob Bell on Friday during his Holy Shift tour talked about how we often live life, especially in times of pain or shadow. We have the anguish of the thing itself. Then we add on the aguish of how we categorize that thing, rarely positively or hopefully or in a strong light.
Something clicked when I heard that. If you change your way of thinking at a foundational level, you don't give your ego a chance to latch onto it. Then you aren't in a tug-of-war with your ego once those thoughts start rolling. You're not expending energy trying to reel them back in. They just don't start.
That feels like the kind of deep growth I've been searching for, the ideas, thoughts, spiritual teaching and tools that can help end the insanity and futility of life, especially when things are "hard."
I will remember this as the week that spring really showed up, where my mind shifted to a different gear, where a calm acceptance of life's events while still seeking for a better way became a more possible way of living.
Spokane, WA