By Saturday morning, I felt tired and confused by these patterns of disconnection and anger between us. I went on a long walk by myself after breakfast to try and clear my head. What am I doing to contribute to this mess? What is wrong? Why do these patterns literally continue year after year after year? Is it just working together? We had issues before that; this has just made everything exponentially more awful.
When I came back, I told him that my big issues are I haven’t recovered yet from the years and decades of being under attack from Dad, Mom and him. I said I don’t have good stress management techniques yet. I don’t know how to manage stress or life. I have lived in a state of attack for decades. I react to things, I don’t plan much. As a result of living that way, I also haven’t had as much time to develop out myself. I have big issues that have been neglected.
When I finished, Jay started crying. He said that someday we’re going to come back here and walk these trails and Puppers won’t be with us. He said this is what is precious to him: us, people, Puppers, these places, our memories. He isn’t willing for anything to damage that. If working together is too damaging, then we need to quit and lay people off. We’re going out on the limb here to do this and if it isn’t something we even enjoy doing, we need it to end.
I came and sat down by him next to his chair and we just cried together. We’ve never done that in our entire marriage. He said these were his feelings and that's where he's at. It felt good to share our pain together, bonding somehow, like we aren't giving up yet.
I don't feel like I have any more answers than before, but I at least know more where Jay's heart is.
Highlights:
- Becoming more aware of the dysfunction at work, and its not all Jay's fault
- Time in Canada with Jay and Puppers; bought art
- Group time
Next week:
- Keep trying to figure out how to make things better so we can survive
