I feel shaken to the core. I am trying to get back into a rhythm of life again. Trying to be disciplined again w/ our money. With exercise. With my time. With chores. With everything.
I have lived for so many years with opt-outs. I have been so stressed and so depressed, I just survived. I didn’t have good rhythms. I didn’t do self-care well. Everything fell apart. We just kept the basics going. There wasn’t much food in the fridge, laundry was always backed up, I stopped exercising, we had little love between us.
We kept going because our family needed the stability of our basic paychecks especially as the girls were growing up. Then the kids went off to college, and technically we could have shut the business down. However, when we hit the wall the worst patch, it was 2010 and El was graduating, KT still had a year left.
So we did a deal w/ the devil I guess. We found a new partner, and it kept us going three more years. Then we ended up in a lawsuit, something I'm not sure either of us have recovered from. We got through that then I ended up back at the helm again for sales and marketing. We finally started hiring senior staff again last year.
I had a nervous breakdown this past year, finally. After we hired those staff, I fell apart, slowly but with intention. I slowly let go of activities and then once in a while, tried to re-engage but couldn’t. I pushed on the pedal and nothing was there.
I spent the spring, summer, and fall sleeping. I napped every day. When I didn’t nap, I thought about napping. In the summer, I laid on the floor of our basement and watched Harry Potter movies by myself. By the fall, I had graduated to Sherlock.
Kay said I was in a state of adrenal fatigue. It was between fatigue and exhaustion, on the line. Exhaustion means you’re in a hospital or someplace where you only can sit and stare I guess. I deeply wanted to avoid that so I obeyed orders. I didn’t mess around. I rested and didn’t push myself. She told me specifically that I couldn't push myself at all. I didn’t. I went on Prozac from roughly April through November.
Fast-forward to today. I’m off Prozac and testing out my sea legs. I am working more normal though limited hours, and my brain feels actually engaged.
I am trying to be more disciplined w/ my soul. I am doing Pray as you Go each morning. I have some general goals I’m shooting for this year, but probably not enough.
I have too many commitments outside of work right now, outside of my normal life. The review process is beginning again w/ one organization I'm on the board for. I am helping facilitate a workshop for GN in about three weeks. I am in a small leadership role in a recovery group. I facilitate our small group’s schedule.
Mom is not doing great, but then I guess it's sort of the obvious falling out of how she's been living her life. Now with dementia, it's worse. I've been involved more with her medical care but need to get into the money situation, will, durable power of attorney, etc. Right now, I have no idea what's going on.
We are also doing these aggressive meeting schedules at work right now. I'm trying to show up for them. They can be tense and I don't know what we're actually doing. Jay suggested it, but it’s a lot for me. I feel I’m on tilt.
I recently went to a memoir writing workshop. I realized what solid content there was in the class, but also that I have limited time in my life for this. I'm still blocked essentially from doing personal projects and pursuing career goals.
The week has been overwhelming, and then Jay before at dinner said he doesn’t trust me.
He said he felt sick after his therapy with Dee. I don’t even know what to say any more on this topic. I don’t know how to talk about it at all. It’s like he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that his behaviors are part of what is causing people to spin out. That’s been a huge issue all these years. It seems things are improving though. It seems the work he’s doing has made some difference. Mainly he talks less and asks better questions. He is less direct.
I am just laid out tonight. I feel sick. My sense is things at work are better but are they? Jay is so frustrated by this group of staff, and I don't know who to trust. I know I have massive triggers with Jay. I thought these people could help us. Doing EMDR with Kay, I am starting to see more clearly that the senior staff are not trustworthy or particularly doing good work. In some cases, they're making things much worse.
I told Jay I don’t know what to do anymore with our marriage. I have been doing everything I can do to grow and change. It seems to not be enough. I feel angry at him for causing this pain all these years and now, he is the one who is hurting. I'm glad he's being honest about his emotions; that seems healthy. But it's being all directed at me, all his pain. Is he looking at himself, that he is causing alot of his own pain? Trust? I can’t trust him to really take a look at himself and be there for me as I recover.
I'm trying to listen to what he says about how panicked he feels, all the time. At work, home, group, around people. He feels like he is constantly doing or saying something wrong.
I sent an email to someone last week somewhat unprompted. I didn't hear back for quite some time and wondered if I'd overstepped or said the wrong thing. I wondered if maybe that’s how he feels all the time. It must be exhausting. I have tried to have grace and empathy, but honestly, I have had very little, after all these years.
I don’t know what to do other than I guess practice my meditation and contemplation, pray and get good rest. Keep going to therapy. Don't give up. God have mercy on me, help me love. AJ at group says that when she’s this sad, she just goes back to her cushion until she hears what God has to say to her until whatever it is, she has some clarity.
I don't know if therapy is going to help this all turn around. I don't feel hopeful. I know I can't give up. I need to reach out to the divine, to God. Use some of my AlAnon skills. God, open up my mind and soul to see what is real.
I feel like I’m drowning.