I finally went to the doctor today after my arms and hands continued to ache and go numb. Lack of energy. Headaches.
He was a bit gruff and challenged the assessments/advice I'd received regarding a possible Lyme disease or tick disease infection. (He went ahead and ordered the test as well as several others. It turns out I have low white-blood cell count and have to get retested in a week).
I spent time texting Al and also spoke with a friend in PDX that has Lyme disease. I am not sure if I have Lyme disease after talking with him but I don't know what's wrong with me.
Jay is concerned I'm spinning out and getting paranoid again. I told him I've been pain for 35 years and it's made me a little crazy and paranoid.
I realized though that I don't like this either. I don't like being this afraid of my body and health issues that arise, most of them the garden-variety type.
I told him that I was trained as a kid to pray for my Dad and for nothing to get better. That's my default; that you have to fight to get better and that things often don't. I didn't see a healthy person recover and get better. I saw someone completely dependent on my mother and doctors to survive.
These are hard patterns to change. It's another thing on the list. I'm determined to be both physically healthy but also mentally healthy about my body and health. That is probably more important than anything.
Decades ago, I discovered this interesting phrase Jesus used frequently when approaching people, ready to heal them or touch them in some way. Often, he would ask this injured or ill person: "Do you want to be made well?"
Initially, it seems an obvious and almost cruel question. Growing up in my household, however, it isn't at all. I don't know that my father wanted to be well. He didn't want to be sick, but I don't believe he ever took ownership of his own health. He was comfortable letting other people work on it for him, most notably, my mother.
This one "tiny" attitude shift made and makes all the difference? Do I want to be well? Yes, yes I do. I'm willing to change to change and take ownership of my health and my attitudes about my health.
It's up to me, and I'm shifting while healing.