Wild week.
Changes.
We both accepted this week that our life right now is a slog.
Jay is slogging at work. I'm slogging at very, very slowly making dozens of tiny changes. By the end of last week, I was so exhausted.
The trauma effects are diminishing. I don't feel like all my senses are both deadened and then also, heightened. I don't feel like a zombie anymore.
As those extreme feelings, emotions and sensations diminish, the pressing question: What is normal? What do I want my new life to be and look like?
The resulting void would have created tremendous anxiety a few years ago, existential dread, self-loathing. Since I don't do that anymore, instead there is some vacancy and confusion, like shuffling around a semi-empty room without a real sense of what direction to go.
So there is a significant amount of exploring going on, both internally and with new routines, habit, behaviors and ways of thinking and being. I'm realizing that this, along with the continued focus on my physical healing, is just a shitload of work and change.
*****
Also experiencing what Allie Brosh talks about when her emotions finally came back online after an 18-month hiatus: uneven. I felt pretty angry last week, pretty negative, on several occasions. I felt a little paranoia slip in. When you don't have solid, new ways of thinking and being, old habits are happy to fit the bill. I didn't like how it felt; familiar but toxic.
My small habits of mediation and contemplation are helping. Spring showed up just in time; sun and also shadows are helping (good-bye to flatness); exercise is helping, and by exercise, I mean walking 30-60 minutes daily, occasionally with a hill; seeing people occasionally; lightening up; thinking more about others, especially Jay.
*****
For the clincher, today is KT's bday. We had a quick, fun chat. She liked the book that was a risk but more like what she actually might like (solid win). Good chat w/ El on Saturday; no advice-giving by me and just catching up in general. Lots of talking by her, less by me. Solid relationship-building and it was fun, relaxed and I was less tense.
Oh and I went to church.
St John's Cathedral, Spokane, WA
CHANGES:
- Less anxiety
- More acceptance of my role in healing, meaning, taking charge of making changes and not allowing myself to mentally disconnect from reality when things get hard
- Trying harder but not wearing out from the effort
- No self-loathing. This just doesn't happen anymore. On the occasion when familiar situations arise where I would go there, I simply don't let myself. Sometimes I don't know what to feel or think, but I know that is not it. The confidence to make that choice is freeing.
- Less mind-fuck. My mind doesn't feel as confused and circular. I used to spin and spin in my head then just end up down a dark hole, just done. I'd land there and spend the rest of the day trying to get comfortable in the bottom of this awful place until I could gratefully go to bed. I'm handling situations with confidence and while frequently don't know exactly what to do, I don't really care. There wasn't anything worse that the spiral of doubt I put myself in literally everyday.
- On that, trusting my instincts. Jay absolutely loves our new garage. I designed that w/ the architect. I'm just more trusting of what I'm pursuing as long as I am balanced in these other areas and not in an adrenal rush that will have a corresponding low.