We are going to make it.
We had an excellent time last night after getting home: music, drinks, relaxed together. We've had so much damage to recover from. We talked about that some yesterday on the way home. Jay is opening up to be able to process emotion, and he feels sad at the years we've gone through in bad relationships and disconnected from each other. My hope as we recover is it will make us stronger than ever, together.
We can see now that once the girls left in 2011, our lives became much harsher without their light and presence around. We didn't have any buffers and at the same time, I began working full-time and taking on more responsibility. Our dysfunctions became more apparent and the next six years were brutal.
Stepping back from all that without a divorce feels like an accomplishment. I will focus on that instead of years lost.
*****
I woke up this morning to a call from my brother-in-law; my mother was going to ER again. This happened about six months ago while we were out at the beach. This is the fourth time she's had this happen. It's not her heart and all signs point to anxiety.
I drove north to the ER out north and spent a couple hours there as they did tests and checked her in and out again. As I was driving there, I realized there aren't really many situations where anger is required but that's been my go-to for decades. I've cried so many tears over Mom and this situation and been angry as well. No, anger doesn't help anything. It clouds your judgment and keeps you from thinking clearly. It blocks your own peaceful energy and ability to be really present and loving for yourself and others. It felt good to not show up angry.
We had a late breakfast together and tried to process some of what happened. She is determined to not talk with anyone if it happens again. I made sure she knew that wouldn't help anyone. She isn't connected to herself and her own emotions, so this ongoing panic she has is confusing. She insists she's happy and not depressed. Maybe it is something else, but that's been the verdict in the past.
At times, the weight of my parent's lives has deeply burdened me. I've felt helpless to try and make my own future any different than what they've lived. I don't believe that anymore. I've accepted their fates as being different than mine even though we're related.
Families are trippy. We have shared lives and genes, and sometimes we couldn't be any different than the people we come from. That does something to your soul and to your mind and takes time to figure out how this will go down for you.
I know my parents loved and love me. I know my Mom is sad for the burden this is on us. She wishes it was different. She has done her best and I can accept that and leave it at that.
Negotiating familial love as well as differences... deep waters.
*****
What else is there but to learn how to love people and yourself?
*****
Packing to leave again, the thought that responsibility is boring popped to mind. Music and laughing help. Yeah, there is an energy with dysfunction that can be addictive. You're always in a state of semi-chaos, going in or out of something that's spinning. That requires you to rush and be in a hurry and not available and always behind. It's adrenaline. It's like I said earlier; it's like sugar.; not nutritious and oh so addictive.