There is quite a bit of pain around me right now, and it seems to be seeping into the inside of me.
Being a closet codependent, it is an ongoing challenge to know how to help and support, without being derailed by other people's pain. There are situations where I could offer advice, but I need to let people have their own lives.
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I wrote that at like 10 am this morning when I was so anxious, I was afraid to do a body scan because I knew what I'd find. Basically, my entire torso felt like it had little electrical pulses in it, and not in a good way, if that's possible. I could feel myself getting amped, like, anxiety attack amped.
Just a lot of convergence of negative things happening all at once with this layer of sadness/anxiety about the fact that this is happening while on vacation. So that, on top. Family matters at home with rapidly aging parents, new revelations about Jay's bio family (which I am living the reality of even good change is hard on your body/soul/emotions) and KT's fiance still struggling to find a better job.
I felt it all piling and converging this morning. I decided why not do some of my basic practices that I keep having to relearn and then think I don't need them? I did Centering Prayer for about 30 minutes and then later today, a drop-in yoga class for an hour.
How is it that things I don't understand are helping me more than any thinking I've ever done? How is that?
I read in the Mindful magazine yesterday this ridiculously amazing quote:
"It's very difficult to think our way out of things that you didn't logically think your way into." - Tim Ferriss
This does make quite a bit of sense, and it is challenging my notions of being in control of everything I'm doing, even to the point of ruining my health. I continue to slow undo the white-knuckle version of my life to embrace practices that while they don't make sense completely, are bringing about the needed changes I desperately desire.
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Jay's changes continue to be phenomenally encouraging. It's affirmed that my depression regarding our marriage was not misplaced; there were major things wrong that I was unable to change or live with. I am working on my own issues, but I knew it wouldn't be enough. I knew I'd quite likely be unable to live with him if some key things didn't change; my health couldn't handle our life much longer.
Part of my depression was from not wanting to divorce or separate. We have amazing memories and years of goodness between us. There have been no villains, just very imperfect people not doing great at marriage. I'm relishing the changes.
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And this isn't going to be fun, helping my aging parents, one w/ dementia and diabetes, both previously labeled as non-compliant patients by doctors. Today though, I felt walking back from the beach that there is more goodness in the world than pain. I glanced around at the ocean, the sand dunes, the seagrass, the puppers, the rising moon, and realized the beauty and goodness dwarfs the pain and sadness that exists now and will be coming. The challenge for me will be to maintain practices that keep me in that space. Otherwise, I'll tank.
Last quote from my Centering Prayer app today:
"The basic disposition in the spiritual journey is the capacity to accept all reality; God, ourselves, other people, and all creation as they are." - Thomas Keating