I have had not slept well the last few nights due to snoring by the hubs. This weekend, we got into a row while walking around the park. It had to do with me trying to clean the house instead of having the housecleaner do it, mainly to save some money.
I already feel edgy about this topic. Having someone clean our house every three weeks feels like a luxury most of our friends don't enjoy. It makes me feel weirdly privileged although for years now, I've viewed it more as a marriage investment than anything else.
Jay felt this was a waste of my time and would wear me out, ensuring I get sick (he has this weird way of making me mad while trying to take care of me). I said I felt he took our money casually and didn’t understand the pressure I felt to manage our finances. He said I didn’t give him any credit for being able to pull $10K out of the business to pay for KT’s wedding. He said everyone else in the company knows the pressure he was under but me. I said I couldn’t believe he’d in anyway ever question my support for him and our company. With that, I was triggered.
We got back to the house and he said he wanted to try and do some talking and use our Gottman marriage materials. I sat down next to him on the couch. I wasn’t mad perse but I realized I was triggered.
I said that. I said, “This series of events and comments you’ve made has really triggered me. I have PTSD from working with you. I don’t feel I really can talk about this right now.” With that, I said I was going to go to the gym which I did and had a great workout.
Later we ended up going to dinner before I went to a meeting. I brought the materials again, maybe hoping I'd be ready to talk, but realized I just didn’t have it in me to discuss anything.
He was strangely relaxed and happy which has happened a few times now in the past few weeks. As he does more self-reflection, he is changing.
I realized in reflecting back on this incident today, my own changes are affecting him. He is either being challenged to also change or he is feeling safe enough to change himself. Either way, we are both changing significantly and in quite positive ways. In fact, I feel not only hopeful but excited for the relationship we still might have ahead of us.
I really am still in the middle of things. I still get triggered and activated at times. But I’m slowly changing. My reactions are changing and probably the most important feeling that is new, I feel strong. I feel I am growing in resilience. I do not feel that when things come my way that are hard, I will always be the victim. I feel I have choices, something I’ve never felt before.
This feels like everything, to not be buffeted by life outside myself and within myself.
Everything.