I am in one of the homes where I feel most comfortable in the world.
Our friends who live in California have intentionally created a home that welcomes people and allows them to stay in rest and peace.
The home is laid-out in such a way that they have their privacy and others have theirs. It’s a truly unique design and one that is intentional in that way.
I’ve stayed dozens of nights here. I had that privilege by being on a board and the chairman of the board owns the home w/ her husband. I stayed on the board for part of a second term just to support and be around her. I resigned early due to my mental health issues and the poor health of the organization in terms of leadership. I didn’t have the guns for it all.
I miss being here. I miss the light, the space, the people that are always coming and going. I’ve never seen anything even close to what they’ve created anywhere else. They are completely open w/ their possessions and home, unusual in my experience for people of great wealth. They remind me of what I want to be more like.
I ask myself what it would take to get here. I would need to be angry less. I would need to be more open with everyone, less closed off. Jay and I would need to end our ongoing arguments about so many things. We’d need to work together more when it comes to domestic things. Our home would have to be redesigned. I don’t think the place we’re living now could even accommodate what they’ve done here.
It’s been a blessing to be a small part of their lives. I cherish all the times we were here. I feel warmth when we turn onto the 101 Ventura Freeway. I feel tension and stress melt off with each passing mile.
I know it won’t last forever, and I intentionally chose to limit my time here due to the main connection being the board. Just being here, it makes me reconsider my role, just to be here once again. I find the work the board faces to be frustrating, grinding and thankless. I don’t know that I could do it again, even to be back in this fold. I also don’t know that I theologically agree any longer w/ some of their positions on many topics.
For the next 24-hours, I’ll sit in the warmth of their love and acceptance of us, just another one of the younger generation that appreciates and has been blessed by their way of life and living.
*****
I slept ten hours last night. I went to bed at 9:30 and woke up at 7:30. That has to be one of the best, most comforting feelings in the world, to fall asleep exhausted, sleep long and hard, then wake up to the muffled sound of voices and the clinking of dishes. I shuffled out and said hello to my friends and hubs, greeted the dogs and felt at peace.
This evening, I am feeling less well again. I’m tired. I feel the medicine’s side effects starting to kick in: a less than happy stomach, tiredness, maybe some puffiness. What a grueling week it’s been.
I managed to stay calm and manage my anxiety while I was burning up and suffering. I am relaxing as I know I have medicine helping me recover. I’m hopeful it is addressing the largest underlying issue which was an infection, not something else. It’s been three very long months of pain and difficult in a part of my body I was hoping had finally healed.
I am feeling more motivated to begin regular exercise and routines that will keep be strong and stretched. Tonight, I’m just tired.
I’m looking forward to dinner and another good night’s sleep. At the store, I did consider some of the processing I did last with Kay regarding over-gifting when you visit someone. I brought a box of fruit candies from home and we’re buying dinner. I was tempted to find even more at the store but refrained. She asked me what I was feeling when I would feel those urges. The overwhelming feelings is that I need to continue to provide value. I often don’t feel that just being myself is enough. I need to add onto that so people will want to be around me. I really thought about that while out shopping in the overwhelming world of a beautiful California suburb.
For now though, I restrained and will rest tonight in the dinner we buy and the love of friends who have been with us because they just like us. That’s enough.
*****
Lastly though… hahaha… I will say I have endless thoughts on life on this planet and how we’re destroying it. It is bizarre to just continue with your life in an area that just went through an epic fire. On we go, shopping and driving around. It made me sad, especially for all the animals that died and now are displaced. Life is hard when you think at a meta-level, seriously, about things like this. Do I even want to go shopping? Am I contributing to all this mess? Should I just go home and grow wheat and make things out of wood??
I sure need to keep working through how to live in this world w/o being anxious every day.