No valid plans for the future can be made
by those who have no capacity for living now.-Alan Watts
Good day mainly as I am facing my anxiety w/ the tools I’m learning.
I am having all this pelvic/rectal pain that’s pretty extreme. I talked w/ the doc office, and they can’t find any reason for my ongoing pain. I have proctitis but it should clear up w/ this medicine and it’s not. They don’t get into any reasons for why it might have happened. I’m always stunned at how the medical profession functions, actually. We’ll do a procedure or give meds, but we don’t get into why this might be the way it is.
I went on a walk to catch the sunset and just realized how anxious I am. I am so wound up about all this. I was starting to try and make rash plans to change flights, to call Jay, to take some other kind of medicine. All these reactions. I’m scared.
I came home and just laid on the bed and tried to breathe. I tried to reconnect to my body and just calm my mind down.
I’m used to more trying to do something.
I also read something today that basically was again like, it’s going to be okay. I have to live in this moment. I’m in California. I can’t do anything much from here. I’m realizing something is going on with my stomach as well, and that could be connected to what’s going on with all my other parts. I have all this heat that’s being generated. There seems to be many things it could be.
I didn’t tell Jay. He was going to Disneyland, and I didn’t want to ruin that for him. I didn’t bring it up w/ my friend here and go over it again. We had an evening where she was able to talk and process. I just decided to be w/ this as it is, and know it will get resolved somehow like other things do. I don’t know how, but I’m tired of worrying.
I told God this evening and myself that I’m tired of the worry and the anger. I’m tired of the anger, the righteous anger about having all this pain. I say the phrase often, “I can’t believe this is actually happening to me. More pain. Really?”
There’s part of me that wants to have empathy for me in all this. There’s a bigger part of me that thinks it’s time to retire that phrase. All it does is breed discontent for my life, inability to be grateful for what I have, jealousy and envy of basically everyone else. It makes me blind to solving my real problems and to what is good that I have.
My anger about the situation prohibits me from making better decisions. I tend to be rash, act in haste and frustration, and just spin out and spend energy I don’t need to. I’m more in chaos than I need to be.
So I’m still in California. I’m not supposed to leave for another three days. I’d like to get home and get started on testing and trying to get some answers. That would mean changing a lot of plans and disappointing people. I’m going to try and stick to the current schedule.
It’s nice we have people that want to see us.
It’s good I’m learning skills I need to better survive this life.
I pray for myself and my steady focus on resting and accepting. I pray for my kids and family that we can all do better at being with each other and loving each other.
I’m getting really stretched.
Trying.