Today was significantly better and different.
I had a lot more energy and got a ton done. Pain was minimal until tonight.
I am just still trying to figure out all the factors of what triggers the pain. Definitely no infections based on blood tests from yesterday.
Getting ready for the holidays. Tired of trying to figure out what to do for all that.
El home tomorrow.
At work, we put some decorations on our tree. One of our employees helped do it and said that was the extent of his holiday cheer and participation. I figured as much. It’d be okay if that was my story one of these years. I’m getting pretty tired of it honestly.
I’m glad for less pain but will be happy for no pain. Not giving up.
My attitude makes a big difference in it all.
A big difference.
*****
I had lunch w/ my brother today. We talked about our families, work and our mother. It’s nice to have a sibling you can get along with. I used to wish for a lot more. I’ve accepted this is better than most have. His wife hates us so that’s a bummer, but also just the way it is.
I didn’t feel much emotion in meeting him other than being happy to see him. In the past, I’ve been quite angry with both him and with mom. I’ve been frustrated he’s not more involved or helpful. I’ve been angry with mom for the decisions she’s made.
Something has dramatically shifted in me. I care much less about their decisions. It’s like the stronger and calmer I get, the less I need others to be healthy. I don’t have a lot of unhealthy people in my life, but at times, I’m not unhealthy.
It’s nice to not be mad all the time. I really didn’t get upset or angry about anything while talking with him and that’s a first for me. Less anger, more calm, more acceptance of others.
I watched the “blue sky” animation again on Headspace today. Your blue sky of a calm mind, my mind, is always there. Making sure to go back to that and remember that is really key to life. It allows you to be more accepting of yourself and then of others.
I’m also finding how easy it is for small mistakes or decisions to set us off on paths we might not be able to correct or change. People don’t know as much as they need to to avoid those things, often. Many of us don’t get full, healthy training. We’re dealing with lingering issues from childhood and then are living in a hectic, harsh world that can jeopardize our sanity, health and safety.
My job is to be healthy myself and love my neighbor, not judge them. Having healthy boundaries helps that, but mostly, I can be present like Parker Palmer talks about. I don’t have to do more than that, most of the time. That’s often what love looks like, being present.
Back to the conversation, I don’t know what’ll happen with our mother in the future. I’m glad we are mostly on the same page and won’t be arguing hopefully.
I’m glad for all the work I’ve done in the last two years. It’s sure not when I felt like doing it, but I’ve done it and much of the hardest work is done in terms of protecting assets. Now it’s more carrying things out and being consistent.
We’re both happy that she has a partner and a good place to live. She has assets and can still be mostly independent. She is often stressed but also often happy. It’s not too bad.