I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like to be without pain.
Right now, I’m mostly without pain in my pelvis. What a long fall it has been with a new pelvic pain to manage.
It is completely absorbing and time-consuming.
I just am relishing it and grateful.
I hope to be able to get back to more steady exercise once the move to our new office is more complete.
We had a leadership meeting for my recovery group this evening. I chose to speak up about a person who has bothered and bullied me and others for two years.
Even six months ago, a meeting and confrontation like this would have made me sick for days. Today, I was barely anxious. I was able to put it aside and work a normal day today for the most part. I jotted down notes at the meeting of some thoughts I’d had in my mind. I didn’t have an agenda other than to speak my peace.
That is the change that I’ve made.
Before, I would feel the following burdensome things:
I need to fix the entire situation
I alone can tell it like it is
I am unsafe
I need to prepare in detail and present a large body of information
Today I realize:
I can only do a small part
I can only fix what is mine to fix or say
I am always safe, especially from others
I need to do what I feel small part is needed and leave the rest
In limiting the scope of my remarks and my belief in my ability to make change, I actually empowered others to speak and act. I did not match this person’s velocity and intensity with my own.
I have realized I feel so unsafe and so strongly about things, I can bring almost equal negative energy to an already negative situation. I amplify not improve the difficult things happening by being myself immature to a point of adding to people’s stress.
I spoke in a limited, logical and empowering fashion. I essentially spoke what many were feeling. That allowed others to speak their own truth. I opened the door for others by being the first to step through. That’s all I had to do. I didn’t need to open and then close the door, single-handedly fixing everything.
I showed me again of the hubris of what feeling unsafe brings. It makes you panicky, like you DO need to fix everything. That creates that negative energy I mentioned.
I have a more realistic frame work now of my own abilities and limitations. I also am more healthy about what I can actually accomplish. I can be a leader within a scope. I’m not the leader of all, but I do play an important part.
It’s freeing to go to bed tonight with much of how this will look somewhat unresolved. Really good things happened tonight. This bullying person was not elected to the position she wanted. That largely had to do w/ people like me speaking up when the voting occurred. Good did prevail. I was always safe. I have car keys. I am safe.
I was inspired tonight to have courage and also feel safe by a line in one of the Celtic prayers I recite in the mornings:
I kindle my fire this morning… without malice, without jealousy, without envy, without terror of anyone under the sun… but the Holy Son of God to shield me…
It reminded me again, to do what I’m called to do, nothing more, nothing less. I’m in charge of my own life, but not the world. PTSD prompts you to try and control everything so you’ll be safe. When you start to feel safe, your boundaries become stronger, healthier, more realistic.
People later tonight came up and thanked me for my honesty, for saying what they couldn’t say. I understand that terror. The main person who was the target of this person’s bullying said just that. I am glad my actions made a difference, and people were willing to thank me.
I was able to make significant progress on the cards and furniture projects at work as well. Our house is a semi-mess, pretty unclean but not horrible. It was nice to just keep plugging away with this meeting looming, not spun out and still functional.
I’m winning the battle against my PTSD.