Then, reality.
I spoke with my step-sister and she mentioned she didn’t think our folks would really change their minds much on their spending.
I realized in providing them this information, I assumed they’d react accordingly. Plan, trim down charitable giving, etc.
It was a bit of a blow. I had to fight to not be angry and frustrated the rest of the day. It was great timing to have something fun planned and to not let this whole thing ruin that time.
I realized in going out that happiness in these situations is really a choice. It doesn’t mean something stressful didn’t happen. It does mean I can choose how to respond.
This continues to be on of the biggest lessons in all of these years of coming out of depression and trying to change.
There have been some changes that have occurred directly as a result of therapy sessions, specifically EMDR and Lifespan Integration.
Alot of the other changes though have been as a result of choices I have to make on my own as events arise. The therapy isn’t enough to have the change be permanent. I really have to choose to do something different when tough stuff happens. Otherwise, I’m a bit more aware and maybe more happy but overall, the big changes won’t happen.
I remember realizing when I was young that it seemed my Dad had fallen into a routine of being sick and angry and withdrawn. It seemed he didn’t fight it much, that he found a life of being ill and grumpy somewhat suitable. I realized you can make an entire life out of that way of living. Endless doctor’s visits, lots of talking with friends and family about your health, avoiding events and gatherings, withdrawn into your own world of activities and thoughts.
When you’re genuinely ill, some of that is inevitable.
Other times, no. It’s a choice.
I’m surprised at how hard this part of the changing has been, I’ll be honest. When you want to change, it means something in you that isn’t good has to go. Sometimes you might be surprised at what it is at the core that is holding you back. It might not just be pain and grief. There might be habits, bad attitudes, sloppy values. There might be things that haven’t been that great regardless of whatever it was that got you down in your hole. You have to decide if you want to get better enough to face all of that.
This is the beauty of a solid recovery group and program. You have to deal with your own shit. It’s about you and your change, not your qualifier. That brings a lot of people up short. It doesn’t mean you need a plan for dealing with toxic people. It just means regardless of what they do, you probably still need to change, needed to change.
So yeah, this wasn’t a great way to end the week, but I also have solid boundaries and just decided to have a good rest of the day anyhow.
On we go.