I woke up early Saturday morning from a dream where I was yelling at my Mom.
I have never had a dream about my mother, ever. I was yelling at her, telling her she never really means what she says. That it’s always been like this.
I’ve had to face this weekend the reality of how deep these issues and pain w/ my Mom goes. I’ve also had to look at the fact that I thought I could really fix my parent’s finances, help them through logic see the changes they need to make then change them.
I have slipped into a controlling position with them over the money stuff. I haven’t let go of much of this to my higher power in any way. I’ve been determined to make them see the error of their ways and make some immediate changes. I don’t think it’s going to happen.
In ramping up for these meetings, I think I’ve ramped up my expectations. That’s where I got caught.
I’ve also had to face my own issues again this weekend. I’m guilty as well of not doing everything I say. I can be a hypocrite. Worse, I can be that person that is forgiven much then turns around and forgives little. I don’t know where that comes from, but I don’t like it.
If I’m honest, I have some of the traits that bother me the most in my mother.
This has been a week to have compassion for myself and also face some of my worst behaviors. I guess that’s life. I just want to keep trying to do better.
One thing I haven’t done well, I haven’t been seeing the good that is happening in the situation with my parents. I only see the negative I think needs to be changed. It’s pretty arrogant. I’m assuming because they’re making some bad decisions, everything is bad. That’s not true.
I have to learn to hold this tension and become a more mature person.
I also have to grieve the loss of having so much of a struggle with my Mom.
Balance and also, reality.
James Slavin Conservation Area, Spokane, WA