I'm sitting at the library with my array of books, electronic devices, and libations to write and plan all afternoon.
It's deathly grey outside, deep January, and a heavy cloud cover lurks overhead, just overhead.
It is taking all my new tools and training to not go to the dark side with the familiar thoughts: your life sucks, you suck, this library sucks, the car you drove here sucks, the dog at home waiting for you sucks, the beer you plan to drink tonight already, preemptively sucks.
But I was winning! I was winning until I opened our company's internal messaging channel.
We use Slack and it's an effective way to communicate with certain groups and individuals, pull it out of email. Unfortunately, we still have employees who feel it's a perfect place to post junior-high level gifs and memes, such as this, one that not only qualifies in that category but is also misogynistic and inappropriate.
My first reaction was incredulity. Literally, WTF. I can't believe I have someone on staff making a crude joke at the expense of our very few women employees, all of whom have degrees.
Then, the triggering started.
Now, my overall anxiety and hyper-vigilance have diminished greatly in the last two years. I'm living in a steady state that's become quite calm, if not a little disconcerting.
That's why when I have a triggering event, the reaction feels extreme and notable. I want to literally punch or hurt something, anything. I feel enraged. I feel completely unprotected and exposed, voiceless and powerless.
Then as it wears off, I feel unsure of what was real. I feel like I need to apologize to someone or something (myself?)
The whole cycle devastates my entire being. I feel weak. I feel incompetent. I feel I'm unable to make good decisions or judgements. I question everything I do. My physiological overreaction levels me.
In this situation, I sent out the image to several close friends and my adult daughters who both work in tech. The consistent response coming back affirmed it was inappropriate but not worthy of rage. It requires a disciplinarian, coaching discussion with a supervisor, not me.
Overall, this was helpful for me. It helped me see that my instincts are solid. My overreactions aren't helpful but it's understandable. I learned a long time ago not to make decisions when I'm flared up; that's still the case, for anyone actually. It's good to realize I'm smart and perceptive, that I'm skilled and I've been wounded to the point of having my brain take over in primal ways when I feel or see bullying or threatening images or content.
But this is how it goes with PTSD. I've spent almost two hours dealing with this, both my initial reaction and then the processing of it, talking with people, calming myself down, etc. That's two hours I had planned for many, many other things.
Multiply that event times 40 years.
Two hours out of a 8-10 hour work day, gone. No productivity, no moving the ball down the court. Just time, physical and emotional energy swallowed up into a hole where nothing returns.
The panicked feeling I have about my future, this is why. I know I'm running out of time and it seems I can't get a break. I'm trying to overcome my PTSD but I feel like it keeps pulling me back in, literally taking my life energy away.
I will never give up. I will always keep getting back up. But I feel like I'm always behind. I can't accomplish what I want to in a timeframe that feels reasonable. Everything is harder, takes longer. I have a chronic illness that robs me, that's what it feels like.
Is it any wonder I feel so strongly about ending assault and violence against each other? The billions of lives lost to the abyss of PTSD, the billions in lost productivity and revenue, the cost to our healthcare system, just from people abusing each other.
"You make each day a special day, just your being you" It makes Mr. Rodgers seem much more the hero than any superhero out there.