I'm watching the testimony of gymnasts who were molested by Larry Nassar.
Larry Nassar - who most victims refer to as the defendant, Larry, anything but doctor - molested hundreds of girls over a thirty-year time span. Hundreds. He did it in plain sight. He did it every day. He did it with the complicity of dozens of others in authority. Other coaches. Other gym owners. Other leaders.
The victims all told someone. They asked. They inquired. They wanted out. No one listened.
Jay has often said he's felt I was as traumatized by no one listening to me as I was by the abuse. One of the strongest triggers for me still is any sense at all, even a whiff or hint, that I am not being listened to. I become a maniac. It's irrational, unhelpful and debilitating, but its often still how I react in certain situations.
For so long, all of the systems that exist and provide structure in our society - the government, the schools, the families, the churches, the businesses, institutions - they let us down. No one was willing to be the one to take a chance and stand on the side of a teenage girl. No one was willing to touch the topic of men in power, sexuality and teenage girls.
I heard that women needed to be modest, so I dressed modestly. I heard that women shouldn't lead or preach, so I didn't. I heard that I needed to respect authority so even when I felt men looking at me and touching me, I did.
I looked to women around me and none of them had any power. The men had all the power in my childhood world. Because I'm a natural leader, I was drawn to powerful men who were leading. I listened to their stories. I emulated their mannerisms. I learned how they conducted business, how they made people feel comfortable, how they ran their world. And I was abused by them.
Aside from a few exceptions, the strong, overcoming women I encountered were in books which I eagerly sought after and read, over and over again. It was my daughter who years later pointed out that all my favorite books had strong female characters. I didn't even realize I'd been drawn to these books for reasons other than the plot.
Women in my world were almost entirely domestic and submissive. They'd been taught to believe that even things that didn't make sense, even things that violated your basic sense of self and human dignity, those were the right things to do. Rules were invented and demanded following. Bible verses were quoted. Structures were maintained and kids were abused.
What's sad is, most people on some level enjoy domestic life. I enjoy domestic life and domestic activities. This though was the only thing women were allowed to
I sensed their despair and their fear. I saw how small their worlds had become. I saw how petty their arguments were with each other. I saw them try and make a life from what was given to them. They accepted the circles that were drawn and agreed to each other it was enough. I wanted to love them but they terrified me. I saw in them my possible future.
This isn't about how women all need to work. This isn't about who does chores at home. This isn't about how religion is bad and threatens the existence of civilization. This is not about the pendulum swinging to another extreme of castigating all that is domestic.
What I saw growing up was a system that taught and enforced a strict social code of what women could and could not do. It was not an opt in/opt out system. This was a narrow circle of activities that were promoted, encouraged and taught, and this is still very much being done today. Resisters had an uphill climb.
This is the same type of system that allowed hundreds of these young women to be molested for years. The same type of structure, the same coverups, the same entitlements of those in power.
Their powerful testimonies, they've left me feeling emboldened. I see they are being listened to. I see they are truly getting their day in court. And I see that they are strong. Even in their tears, their anxiety, their deep breaths, they continue. And in that strength, they are overcoming together.
I hope abusers everywhere are afraid. I hope they're terrified. I hope they realize, the jig is up and the world is changing.
I hope it empowers victims to come forward. I hope they get to be heard, finally. I hope they can start healing. I hope they are fortunate enough to gain access to therapy as I have. I hope the world can take this moment to evolve.
I hope all of these testifiers end up on the cover of a magazine somewhere. If they do, I'll frame it.
They are true heroes.
The judge made sure this trial wasn't about the defendant. It wasn't about her. It was about the victims.
Another bend in the arc of justic. And it's just about time.