Well, that was a surprise.
I had not anticipated having panic and anxiety raise its ugly, hideous, life-choking head this past week. But it did.
Why, seems important to understand. And I think understanding is happening.
I believe this week was another Chink.
Last week, I was at a health provider's office every day of the week. Endoscopy on Monday, PT Tuesday, Therapy Wednesday, Chiro Thursday, PT again on Friday.
My pelvis is twisted from years of sitting sideways due to all of my pelvic pain. Pain in my low back was beginning to make sleep impossible. I felt my world closing in as my stomach, pelvic flares and now back pain seemed to be making my daily life now about seeing providers.
By Thursday morning, I was in a panic. I didn't know what to do to manage my pain. All options seemed to have issues. Circular thinking set in.
Jay helped me calm down and I was able to get answers to what is happening. I finally got some definitive answers on what I need to do to help strengthen myself.
That was a lightbulb: I'm weak. Weak muscles actually have more issues than strong muscles. One massage provider said he doesn't see athletes in his office. Strong muscles prevent injury. Various providers gave me exercises I need to start doing both for stretching and strengthening.
Then last night I went to my recovery meeting and talked about fear. I talked about how it controls my life. It controls almost everything. I had no idea until this week how deeply ingrained a fearful response is. I do not think things will get better. I assume they won't. As a result, I don't take risks. I don't dream. I don't plan. I don't try to make significant changes in my life. I assume the worst so why bother.
Fear has not been a friend. Fear is supposed to protect you, but when it never shuts off, it only narrows your world. I should be more afraid of fear than any other issue I'm dealing with. Fear is poison. Fear is toxic. Fear is life-stealing.
I realized this and I realized to turn things around, I need to stop trying to solve all the world's problems. I need to take it one day at a time, but more specifically, I need to not be fearful one day at a time.
So this morning, I woke up and told myself that we're no longer fearful. I don't want to be afraid today. I don't know about tomorrow but today, I am choosing no fear. I'm choosing healthy activities, relaxation, no fear.
What a difference a week can make. I feel myself and my soul turning, believing I am deeply loved, believing in myself to become strong agin.